Parenthood

Parenthood: learning to do everything with one hand and some fingers – meals, making tea, opening a bottle of water, washing your hands…

Skills in Stealth Ninjahood are a strict requirement for the role. All manners of rolling over in every direction, contortion, standing from cross-legged/sleeping positions WITHOUT a bed squeak, bone crack or using your hands, as the arms are being trained by Baby Weights…

And please note that your baby will only fall asleep while you’re in the most uncomfortable, contorted position possible, and trying to adopt a more comfortable one thereafter is strictly forbidden as it results in one screaming, cranky baby, upset at being woken from her nap.

The hardest thing you will ever do

3 weeks in and I keep thinking back to what the midwife said during one of our antenatal classes:

Think about the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Being a parent is even harder than that, so much harder. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

And it’s not handling the round-the-clock cycle of nursing, nappy changing, burping, laundry and uncontrollable screaming fits while being sleep deprived that makes it hard…

People think that’s what makes it so hard, but no. That kind of just becomes routine after a bit.

Yes, some days leave you so tired and frustrated. I’ve fallen asleep during night feeds to wake up with Baby sound asleep (thankfully still) in my lap, some nights where she’s still screaming for an extended period of time after we’ve exhausted all possibilities…

But the hardest and I might even say frightening part really is having someone completely dependent on you.

To be completely responsible for every need; that she grows well, that she’s happy, that she’s comforted, that she’s healthy – to have someone constantly demanding something from you. Especially when you’re breastfeeding – you can’t just pass the buck over to someone else for this one time. No pumping in the early weeks to avoid oversupply, and breastfed babies need to be fed about every other hour.

To be stronger than you thought you could be;

while the little one is fussing and throwing a fit in those dark hours while sucking as hard as possible on a nip that’s already shooting with pain and possibly bleeding. You want to scream in agony, cry and throw a fit too with the fatigue, frustration and postnatal recovery, but you must not shed a tear. You have to keep it all together, stay strong, but also remain calm and patient above it all to avoid adding to her stress because she’s just trying to communicate her needs, and is just as confused as you are.

That, is hard. So, so hard.

SurrealΒ 

I’m now holding this dear tiny being in my arms and I still can’t quite believe I was pregnant just over a week ago. 

I keep asking the husband how it all happened as I piece together my perspectives with his accounts. 

And I think I finally understand what everyone means by loving someone else more than you’ve ever before. Because I feel like she holds a piece of my heart, and its this part of me that she will always keep with her.